Feeling it

Back in June, I thought that saying goodbye to all of my friends and family, leaving America, and moving to Japan was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I was wrong.

When I decided to come here, I had the support and excitement of my friends, coworkers, and family. I could see their excitement. I could hear them say they were proud and that it would all be okay. The support was visible. I could feel it.

Now, I am leaving Japan in just over a week. This depature, a few weeks earlier than planned, definately takes the not so coveted honor of being the most difficult thing I have ever faced.

While I know that I have the distant support of my friends and family, it is distant, and friendships have inevitably faded during the time I've been away. I don't have the support of my coworker or company. I for company reasons am not able to be totally forthcoming about my reasons for leaving to my students, and thus do not have their support either. Everyone is just sad and angry at me.

To add to this, I'm coordinating an international move in just over a week, am in the midst of a full scale mid-year job search, which because of the time difference, has caused me to wake up at all hours of the night for phone interviews, am sick as a dog (again), and am horribly worried about my mom, who is quite ill. All in all, I'm not doing so hot these days.

I've been being really tough about it and trying to just barrel through it, but yesterday, it all kind of hit me at once. It might have been because I was so tired from the interviews I had during the night before or because I am so sick, but when one of my favorite little girl students started to cry when her mother told her that I am leaving, I just broke down. And it didn't stop. My next class of the night also had a student which cried, and only spurred me on more.

It is hard to come to the realization that my students care so much about me and I care so much about of some of them, yet I am abandoning them for somewhat selfish reasons. It is hard to watch them cry because of a decision I have made. It is hard to go to work and feel the almost palpable judgement from my Japanese coworker and my company. There is just so much guilt. So much sadness. And now even a little regret (and that's a strong statement, as I am a person with few regrets in life)

And there's so much more to do. There's still more students to tell, getting ready to leave and readjust to American culture, more night time phone interviews, an 18 hour flight, and on-campus interviews ahead. I just want things to slow down a little so I can process it all and give this experience the appropriate and meaningful ending and closure that it deserves.

I'm just so tired.

But, there is a positive end to this pretty personal blog. If nothing else, even aside from the positive and negative aspects of my time here, this experience has made me realize that I am very ready to settle in one place for a while. As much as I want my life to be full of adventure, I can't keep uprooting myself like this and establishing and then leaving relationships in the sake of getting it. It's just too draining. And frankly, what is the point of having a life full of adventure if it causes me to have few people to share it with.

And on a final positive note, my job search is going really well and I am very excited about some of the positions that I have been interviewing for. I'll keep you posted, and hopefully should have a job before Christmas.

That's all folks.